“Don’t ever forget two things I’m going to tell you. Don’t believe everything that is written about you. Don’t pick up too many checks.” – Babe Ruth

Let’s look at some of the pathologies of blaming, complaining and making excuses. This will help us understand the negative aspects of these things

• What do you sound like when you blame, complain, or make excuses? You sound like a dependent, powerless victim. Not only do you sound weak to others, but to yourself as well. If you don’t believe yourself capable, how can anyone else?
• Why would anyone do this? People who complain or blame are usually unhappy and often have low self-esteem.
• Where do we learn to blame, complain, and make excuses? Why do we do it? Let’s see. Take, for example, Riley, a 10-year-old boy who loved to play basketball. At one Saturday-morning game his team lost a by just one point. His mom took one look at Riley afterward and knew he was upset. When she asked what was wrong, he instantly burst into tears.

“It’s so unfair,” he said. “They won the game because the ref made a bad call, and they scored the foul shot. It’s the ref’s fault they won!”

His mom could have very easily agreed with him and tried to console him. But she was a coach herself and recognized a teaching moment when she saw one. So after giving him a comforting hug, she also offered him some valuable life advice.

“I know you’re sad because you lost the game, and that’s okay,” she said. “But you need to remember it’s a game we play to have fun. What’s even more important is to understand why you lost the game. You lost because your team scored one less point than the other team. You can’t blame that on the ref. The best thing you and everyone on the team can do if you want to win more of your games is to practice and get better both individually and as a team so that you can score more points and get better at stopping the other team from scoring. That’s how you win more games. Winning and losing have nothing to do with the ref.”

By telling her son to focus on what he could control (improving his own game) rather than what he couldn’t (the ref’s calls), this mom taught her son Riley a profound lesson that most likely altered his way of thinking for the rest of his life. She empowered him to take charge of his destiny and not simply wait around for others to decide it for him. Blaming, complaining, and excuses are all victim behaviors. Is that what you want – to be perceived as a victim by those around you?

Desire is the drive towards goals, while excuses pull away from goals.

The main reason for not achieving realistic and achievable goals that you have set is you. In fact, this happens to be the truth for anyone. A lack of commitment on a person’s part very often becomes a breeding ground for excuses. Thinking up any reason to justify failure because it helps to rationalize a lack of achievement becomes all too easily a habit.

If excuses are not a good thing, then why do so many people devote a lifetime to making them? Because it’s the safe and easy way out. You should understand that complainers are unsatisfied with their lives. They’re not getting what they need or want to be happy, so they focus the blame on others and situations outside of themselves. Inevitably, it’s those who complain the most who are the least likely to do anything about it.

Average performers often look for validation. By complaining, they often can get others to sympathize and agree with them. This makes them feel good, for maybe a minute, because it temporarily satiates their ego and self-esteem. If they can convince themselves that the problem isn’t their fault or their responsibility then they don’t have to look inward and make any changes. A person can’t possibly own it if they can’t face looking in and understanding what they are about.

Self-handicapping

Self-handicapping allows us to protect ourselves from the pain of assuming responsibility for our failures, and people do it all the time.

In a recent set of experiments conducted by psychologist Sean McCrea at the University of Konstanz in Germany, participants were asked to take several intelligence tests under a variety of conditions. The research showed that people who were encouraged to make excuses for their poor performance helped to maintain their high self-esteem, but they were also less motivated to improve.

People avoid the pain of failure by never trying to succeed in the first place. This kind of behavior is often so subtle and habitual that we don’t notice we’re engaging in it. In addition, this attitude will not take you on the fast track to success.

Purge your life of as much negativity as possible and replace it with positive people, circumstances and energy.

Do you find yourself complaining, or do you own a situation to change it? Thanks for sharing.

For questions about this post or for information on becoming a fearless leader, contact Dr. Cathy Greenberg and The Fearless Leader Group at (888) 320-1299 or by email at hello@fearlessequalsfreedom.com.